i used to find some sort of comfort in death but now it just scares me more than anything. i can't get my uncle's death out of my head. i can't stop thinking about it, i can't stop remembering the first time i heard the news, how my mom was calling the airline to change the date for our flight home, how i watched the people around me get depressed and bawled their eyes out and how i was too, how my uncle lied still in the coffin and how i watched it get thrown down and finally buried. for a second i thought that it was all something like a prank or a dream, but all of this is as real as it gets. and it sucks because i'm hurting, but what's worse is that my family is too.

we know deep inside that he's perfectly okay up there. but we just miss him. we just want to see him again. we just want another chance to make things right.

I'm so sick of doubting my every move, always feeling like I'm shit at everything and letting people put me down all the time.